Wednesday, March 31, 2010

back in business...

In the classic words of Conway Twitty...

"Hello darlin'...nice to see's been a long time"

It certainly has been awhile...I feel as though I have neglected my original home here on the world wide web...little brothers "facebook" and "twitter" have kind of stolen focus from big brother "blogger" in the last year or so. Not to mention those two human children who require and deserve most of my time and attention...I've still been "mommy-ing", but mumbling...yeah, not so much.

Don't get me wrong...I didn't just turn my back completely. I'm not downright cruel. I still read lots of blogs faithfully. I didn't leave the blogosphere altogether, but I certainly haven't kept up my end of the relationship. I haven't even commented on any of the blogs I read, which makes me one of those creepy blog stalkers who knows way too many details about the lives of total strangers without sharing anything of myself. So, I am determined to climb out from the shadows and navigate the blogs openly once again.

This blog has always been special to me. A place to recall and record memories...celebrate the beauty of ordinary days...and share the hopes and dreams that I have for our little family. I just can't stand by and let poor big brother fear that he has been cast off into that dark abyss that is inhabited by the likes of *gasp* "myspace"...YIKES!

So...alas, I have returned to prove my love and loyalty to this little online journal, started almost six years ago by a new mommy just wanting somewhere to share all the thoughts and feelings that I have swirling around in my head and heart. As much as I do enjoy facebook and twitter and the ability to connect just can't really capture everything with 140 characters or less. That's where blogger still has the market cornered... it's the perfect venue for combining depth and mindless rambling! Quirky randomness, fun pics and videos, and precious letters that my sweet children can read when they are older and I am long's all welcome here...and I'm glad to be back!

I am trying not to feel that ridiculous pressure that comes from that elusive "place" that is blogland...the pressure that i felt as a rookie blogger...the pressure to say something that is, all at once, genius, profound and hilarious. I've done it long enough to know that on the days when the pearls of wisdom are lacking there is always an adorable picture of my beautiful babies, an inspiring quote or scripture to share, a trendy product to endorse, an awkward story about bodily functions(never lacking in this household of three males and a mommy who can't keep solid foods down!), a funny youtube video, a recipe to share...and did i mention pictures of cute kids?

Yes, there is always plenty of material to choose from. And certainly, in the last year, we have continued to ride the rollercoaster that is our life. There has been lots going on while, at the same time, nothing has changed. I have lots of catching up to do...there has been overwhelming pain in losing my daddy, overwhelming frustration with our ongoing struggle with my disease and hospitalizations. I just got home 2 weeks ago from 3 months back in the hospital...yeah, i missed Christmas and yeah, that was miserable...actually, i didn't just miss Christmas...technically, I MISSED WINTER! And yet, there has also been the constant...overwhelming blessing in the love we feel from our Heavenly Father as He guides us and guards us and places people in our lives to hold us up when we can't take one more step. I have a husband who is the rock of this family and continues to lead us through this valley. He takes on so much and does it without complaint. I truly do fall in love with him over and over again as I witness his bravery, strength, devotion and selfless spirit...besides the fact that he is just darn HANDSOME! We have two precious boys who have had to learn some of the hard lessons of life that a 5 and 2 year old should not even know about. And yet, we also see the Lord preparing their hearts for service and compassion as they grow up witnessing His mercy in very tangible ways. I know that, while I would never wish these circumstances for them so young, they are being molded already into people who will truly understand suffering, longing and the necessity for a Savior in this fallen world. I still don't know how to navigate this world without my daddy in it...but at the same time I feel such comfort in knowing that my biggest prayer warrior is at the right hand of the Lord, receiving His reward and interceding on our behalf down here. There has been so much grief. But praises be that, while we grieve, we do not grieve as the world those who have no hope. And oh, we grieve. We grieve for the kind of "boring" normalcy that is so often taken for granted...we grieve for the days and months and years that these circumstances have taken from our lives...we grieve for the prospect that this may be a thorn we are asked to bear for the duration of this life. But, more than that, we hope. Oh...Do We HOPE! We hope for the ultimate healing that we truly believe God can give in this lifetime if that is His will...we hope for the incredible future that we know He has in store for us, even amidst these struggles...and we hope and long for our home in Heaven in such a real way, where all of this pain and suffering will be a distant memory...and where I can hug my sweet daddy again. We are learning to pray for healing in a new way...we pray for and believe He can bring physical healing...and we KNOW that He can bring spiritual healing, no matter what the physical circumstance. We pray with EXPECTATION! We are learning to truly claim the power of the Holy Spirit that already lives within us. The power to rebuke Satan and his lies...the power to endure this darkness, whether that is for a short time or for the rest of this lifetime...the power to overcome and to have a full life on this earth as we anxiously await our perfectly redeemed life in Heaven. We have this hope because we serve a MIGHTY GOD! He is Jehovah Raphae. He is our healer. And He will never leave us...even (and especially) on the days when we are downright angry because we can't see Him. He desires and deserves our praise...and there is such freedom and comfort in knowing that He is praised through our brokenness. He is praised in our thankfulness and He is praised in our openness about our angers and doubts and fears. He is praised because His power is made perfect in our weakness. There are many many days that are so overwhelmingly dark...days when I feel cheated and weary and just don't think I can bear anything more...days when I desperately crave the energy to be a wife and mother...days when I don't know what to pray or even want to pray. I know in my mind, and believe in my heart, that our joy is going to be even greater when we reach the mountaintop because we have spent so many days down in the valley. And oh, I really do hate this valley. But while we are here in that valley I have witnessed the truth spoken in Isaiah 45:3 where we are told, "I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." There is much to be learned where we are at, while we wait for where we so badly want to be...and we would be foolish to ignore that. WE WANT HEALING. But, our hope is not in the idol of health...our HOPE is in the GOD OF HEALING.

So...there we go...I guess we're back in business...this mommy is officially back to mumbling.

It always blew my mind that people would actually want to read anything that I had to say but, amazingly, they did! I will, most likely, have to regain that following since I went dark for so long. But even if no one reads, there is still something fun and empowering about feeling like you have a voice...and that maybe, if you can keep the delicate balance between sentiment, humor, and pictures of cute children...someone will listen!

Oh yeah, here ya go...cute kids!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

done hibernating's true...after 83 days of hospitalization...or maybe i should call it hibernation, since i missed the whole winter...either way...I AM own soft, warm beloved internet access...and a little family four is put back together again...nothing better than knowing that we are all four laying our heads down to sleep under the same roof tonight