arms of love

i think my heart just broke into a million pieces. 

after matt and the boys visited, and it was time for them to go, i walked them to the stairs. i gave them their squeezes and smooches, turned around and started back towards my room. 

then i heard some yelling from the stairwell and little feet running behind me. and i heard a little voice saying, "mommy, mommy", his eyes already wet and red with tears.

it was my sweet jack jack. i stopped and turned around to hug him and he just flew into my arms and held on so tightly, just sobbing for almost 10 minutes, saying, "mommy please come home. i miss you. i want to stay with you. i am sad when you are not at home. i love you. i want us all to go home" it was like something out of a movie...it wasn't like he was throwing a fit over having to leave, he was literally had a look of desperation as he ran towards me and when i swooped him up he was just flooded with emotion. my sweet, tenderhearted jack. we just sat in the hallway outside the stairwell, because jack was holding on with a grip that said he was not going anywhere for a while. 

 

after a few minutes sam came and curled up in my lap with jack and patted his bubba's leg. sam had already asked me his nightly question that breaks my heart. it's always the same from his precious little munchkin voice saying, :"mommy, you come wif us tonight?" oh i wish i could say YES! jack did not want to let go. like i said, he had a serious grip on me and he was literally sobbing. i just began praying over him and his breathing slowed down and he was able to relax. but then matt had to carry him down the stairwell and the sobbing began again. when matt put him in the car, he just had to stay there and hold him a little more.
 

it was so precious and devastating all at once. i hate all of this for them. two little boys shouldn't have to be so familiar with all this suffering. i do already see God building in them a level of compassion that can only come from experiences like this, but that doesn't make it any easier when you have your babies in your lap crying saying they just want you to come home. jack is just getting to that age where he knows this is not just the norm for everyone and he worries more when he sees me get sick. he just has a tender heart...much like his amazing daddy. matt bears the weight of all of this, and i don't know how he does it. but he is fighting for our little family everyday.
 

they are on my heart and mind all day everyday. i spend the whole day looking forward to hearing those little feet running down the hall towards my room. i miss them so much, i ache for them. i long to be home with my babies so they can get cuddles anytime, and never have to say, "mommy please come home"

makes me think of a song i have loved for a long time, about the arms i am running into right about now...

I sing a simple song of love
To my Savior, to my Jesus.
I'm grateful for the things You've done,
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus.

My heart is glad that You've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be than

In Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love.
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love.

yeah, so i think it's now my eyes that are all red and wet and puffy from tears...all 3 of those boys sure do have a big hold on this heart of mine...oh, for more days like this...