where i would rather be right now...

rather than being back in the hospital...rather than now having a blood clot in both arms now, forcing them to put in a central line to my heart...rather than being in unbearable pain again...rather than being scheduled for yet another surgery in Dallas on Wednesday afternoon...rather than being on a liquid diet...rather than having my children being taken care of by someone else (although they are getting lots of love from their mimi and giggi)...rather than having my sweet husband so exhausted from having to be everything for everyone...rather than even being on a beach somewhere...yes, this place where i was just days ago when daddy came home from work and took this picture of mommy and her sweet boys...THIS is where i would rather be:

the last word...

well, since Sunday, we have been back in the ER three times...including last night when we found out that i am now having internal bleeding from the blood thinners, but they do not know where it is coming from and i have to stay on the blood thinners for at least two months or until this clot is gone...so it will be a balancing act of breaking up the clot but making sure the bleeding doesn't get too bad, and maybe figuring out where it is coming from?! my liver numbers are also elevated again, so please just pray that doesn't also flare up again...internal bleeding is never a fun thing to hear...but at least we have been through it before and have very good and thorough doctors...


so...still tired and weary...sorry to be debbie downer, but i must say i did have a LOVELY baby shower on Sunday...and i have had lot of cuddle times with my boys while not in the ER over this past week thanks to my wonderful mother and mother-in-law...so i really can't complain, because those hugs from my boys are really what i have been longing for the most over these last many months...

it has now been almost a full year since i can remember feeling well...there are days when i feel much older than i really am; days when i feel like i have been completely broken and can break no more...but i know this is not true, and i know that the Lord can and will put me back together again...so while we continue to pray; search for new doctors, procedures, answers; while we cry out of frustration, sadness, fear, and sometimes anger; while we wait...the answer is ultimately still the same-to cling to Him, to the only one who really has the answers and who really sees what lies on the other side of this mountain that we are now in the trenches of-to the one who gets the last word and ALL of the glory...

matt, otherwise known as my rock,pointed me to this verse last night while i was lying on another stretcher...and it is absolutely the prayer that we are falling on our knees believing right now; i love how it is worded in The Message:

"So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ-eternal and glorious plans they are!-will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, He does."
~1 Peter 5:9-11

tired...

some of you may know that i have spent the last week and a half back in and out of the hospital...again...we all got food poisoning last wednesday (8/9) and as bad as it was for Matt and Jack, they were over it in a day and me it sent into a tailspin and i ended up back in the hospital until this thursday (8/17). well, yesterday morning i woke up with a not fun but familiar feeling in my left arm where they had taken out my PICC line...yep, another blood clot...in the same arm that i had it in last fall also from a PICC line! anyway, so we spent all last night in the hospital again, and i talked my doctor into letting me come home today so that i could be at my baby shower tomorrow! i have looked forward to this for too long, i am not going to miss my own baby shower! my doctor was kind of reluctant, but agreed to let me give myself the shots of blood thinners at home since i have done it before...

i am trying to write this post lightheartedly...but really, i am weary...i am really ready to get home from the hospital and stay there, i am tired of having days where i can't nurse my baby after working so hard to get him nursing so well. and i miss my husband and my other baby boy who has had to spend too much of this last year without his mommy. i am so thankful for my sweet mommy who has been taking care of my house and my family this whole week, while also going to work herself...i don't know what i would do without her.

i will be on blood thinners for two months, and the doctor will monitor me carefully to make sure that i don't end up with internal bleeding like i did last time...so please pray that this will just clear up soon and that we will truly be through this season of our lives. i guess this is another one of those times for us to cling to the Lord, like i wrote about in my last post...we would never have made it this far without Him...

solitude...

This was my daily meditation from Henri Nouwen Society, in my inbox this morning...

When we enter into solitude to be with God alone, we quickly discover how dependent we are. Without the many distractions of our daily lives, we feel anxious and tense. When nobody speaks to us, calls on us, or needs our help, we start feeling like nobodies. Then we begin wondering whether we are useful, valuable, and significant. Our tendency is to leave this fearful solitude quickly and get busy again to reassure ourselves that we are "somebodies." But that is a temptation, because what makes us somebodies is not other people's responses to us but God's eternal love for us.

To claim the truth of ourselves we have to cling to our God in solitude as to the One who makes us who we are.

Hmmm...I sure have had alot of solitude in the last many months, and maybe God is trying to tell my something? Maybe he is saying "Look at me...Listen to me...Cling to me".

I like being alone, but I must admit that I am not always productive in my so-called "quiet time" with the Lord. I find so many other things to distract me, or like the devotional said, I feel that when I am not distracted, that I am worthless. But I forget that my worth does not come from what I do, or even from who I am...but from the way I reflect the one who created me and loved me and delivered me. Solitude can be a scary place...the quiet can be deafening...and so I talk, I run around in all directions in a hurry, I BLOG, I worry, and I forget that the Lord just wants me to sit at his feet. He wants ME to cling to HIM...what a precious thought.

The word "cling" means, "to come or be in close contact with; stick or hold together and resist separation". To resist separation. When I think of "clinging", I think of my children, particularly Sam right now. I love when I am feeding him and he gets his little fingers wrapped around mine and "resists separation" or when he holds on to my shirt; or when Jack doesn't want me to leave him at bedtime. It is like they are desperate for my presence and they will do anything to hold me there; right there with them. And this is what The LORD, the maker of Heaven and Earth, wants from me...He wants me to CLING to HIM...to be DESPERATE for His presence. And the amazing thing to me is that even when I deny Him that, His presence NEVER LEAVES me.

I read this verse the other day that I have read many times and for the first time, I really heard the Lord saying it...

"For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. Out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, the Lord has chosen you to be His treasured possession." ~Deuteronomy 14:2

His treasured possession...I am HIS TREASURED POSSESSION...YOU are HIS TREASURED POSSESSION...WE are HIS TREASURED POSSESSION...what a precious thought...solitude...what a precious gift...May I forever be changed in the way I spend that gift...may I cling to the one who calls me HIS TREASURED POSSESSION...for HE is the GREATEST TREASURE.