turn, turn, turn

Autumn...my absolute favorite time of year. Living in Texas you really have to enjoy the moments of true autumn that you get in between summer and winter. And I do. I love the cool, crisp refreshing air...the radiant colors of the changing leaves falling gently to earth and crunching beneath my feet...the comfort of a hot cup of tea and a warm blanket...the chance to reflect on the blessings of the past year and to look forward to a new one. I love these words from John Keats' poem "To Autumn":

Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?
   Think not of them, thou hast thy music too

Most people look to spring as the time for renewal, but I have always favored autumn. Perhaps because I tend to lean towards cooler weather and darker skies (What can I say? I'm an introvert). And who says there can only be one season a year for renewal? I am so thankful that God created not only the patterns of our weather, but our lives, to ebb and flow and change seasons. My little family has certainly seen many seasons change. We have been through long winters and harsh summers...we have felt the autumn winds of change and we have seen the promise of spring.

I've been spending alot of time writing lately. Trying to get back into the groove of blogging regularly, and blogging in general. But mostly I have been working on my songs. It is hard for me to even type out the words "my songs". It feels so vain and pompous. I don't know why that is. I have been writing songs for as long as I have been singing them...for as long as I can remember. I can remember, even as a young girl, bounding out of bed in the middle of the night because I had a melody or a lyric in my mind that I just had to write down for fear of not remembering it if I let myself fall asleep. I can remember filling up books with poems and stories and songs. Writing has always been cathartic for me and music has always been part of my soul. I love this quote from the book When God is Silent by Barbara Brown Taylor:

"Jesus came among us as word. I believe God remains among us as music (and the Holy Spirit as the breath that brings both word and music to life)."

I love that. Because I rarely feel closer to my Heavenly Father than when I am writing, singing or listening to music. I have encountered the very spirit of God through music. I know I'm not alone in this. And you don't have to be a trained musician to understand and be moved by its power. I have been so fortunate to have many outlets to express myself through and cultivate my love of music. I have sung on stage in front of hundreds of people without really even giving it a second thought. Because I feel safe there, wrapped in the warm embrace of lyric and melody.

Within our church community we are in the midst of a season of prayer as we seek to partner with God in the restoration of all things. I love our church. At its heart is a group of people who truly want to see things on Earth as it is in Heaven. The leadership is bold and firmly committed to truly living out the gospel. I love that. Because I truly believe that what we do in this life matters in the next one. And I believe that if we look closely enough, we can get glimpses of that new life breaking through in this one. Our minister just began a series that is called...well, "CALLED"...and I have been thinking alot about that word lately. Probably partly because my husband is the director of communications/graphic designer at the church and he has been preparing lots of materials with that word on it. What does it mean to be called? And what does it look like to answer the call that God has placed on your life? Yeah...for right now, those questions are going to be left open-ended, because I am still working through the answers. I read this blog post by Rachel Held Evans the other day and found it fascinating. I related to it in many ways. Let me qualify that by saying that I am quite fortunate to have grown up in a family that never did anything but encourage and support my dreams and ambitions. And I am fortunate to be a part of a church body that values women and what we have to contribute to ministry. But I did relate to this post because I have certainly wrestled with my own ambitions and, at times, felt that to pursue them would be selfish and vain. Mix that with my deep sense of self-consciousness, some good old-fashioned guilt and a tendency towards being overly critical of myself and you have some very stifled potential.

I changed my major upwards of 4 times in college. Nope, not 4 different majors...I just kept ping-ponging back and forth between a few. I went on a music scholarship and quickly changed to theatre when I found that I could have a more well-rounded education in music there...then, it went something like this: 

theatre...nursing...theatre...nursing...theatre...bible...theatre...nursing...theatre (and a minor in bible). 

Throughout all of that time, I knew that I could probably be happy going forward in any of those fields of study. But nothing pulled me back like theatre. Like studying music and writing and performance and art. And when I say "pulled" I mean like a gravitational pull. A power over me that was consuming and had to be obeyed...or, to put it differently...a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence...a CALLING. 

And when I laid in a hospital bed, for months at a time, aching for my family and my home...the only other thing that I truly longed for was to lead worship again. I spent much time in solitude over those months and years. I spent much time letting music wash over me, melt me into a puddle of brokenness and then fill me back up. I spent much time writing out the cries of my heart and soul. And I shared it with no one. Partly because it was all so fresh and consuming...and partly because I felt fear and I felt selfish and self-conscious. To this day, I have only shared snippets of my songs with Matt...and he has to pry them out of me. Like I said before...singing on a stage in front of hundreds...not really a big deal. Singing in a room with one person...TERRIFYING. It is much easier when you can play a character on a stage, or camouflage yourself within a group of other singers. But to be stripped down...and vulnerable...to be yourself...now that's scary. 

Matt has been begging me for years to record a cd. I have always balked at the idea because honestly I just have never really believed that anyone would want to listen to an entire cd of just me singing. And to share alot of what I've written is to let someone in to some of the deepest parts of me...to be laid bare...and I'm afraid it won't all be so pretty. And, at the same time, I have general anxiety over my writing being judged by others, and it not measuring up. But, then again, my writing has been more prolific than ever in the last several years and months and I find myself with the urge to write more and the urge to share it. Could that be...a calling?

Oh, I don't think I'm an expert on...well, anything. And I don't think that I have anything necessarily profound to say. But I do have a voice...and I have words...and I have music...and, I believe...I have a calling. A calling to share...nothing more...to simply put it out there...expecting nothing but some relief when I realize it wasn't that scary after all to just be me...and let others see me. And maybe, just maybe, something I say will resonate with someone else. Maybe the music that God has placed in my soul will envelop someone else at just the time they need it to. Or maybe it will simply remain a love letter between me and my Savior with gratitude for all He has done for me. And that...that will be plenty good enough.

So...I'm stepping WAY out of my comfort zone here. I'm going to attempt to get these, the songs of my heart, recorded...and share them with you. I'll be blogging through the process, so feel free to remind me that it will all be okay and it won't be like that horrible recurring dream of going to school with no pants where everyone points and laughs as you try to run and hide. I figure if I set the bar just slightly above the "going to school with no pants dream" then, surely, I can't be disappointed...right?

I've had these two quotes that I love echoing in my mind as I've been writing this week:

"Art is never about applause...it's about an altar" ~ Ann Voskamp

"I will not bring before my King that which costs me nothing." ~2 Samuel 24:24

Jonathan (our minister) is actually preaching this week, in his CALLED series, on altars.  So it seems fitting that these words have been on my heart as I seek to obey a calling that I feel the Lord has placed on my life. One of my favorite bands, All Sons & Daughters, just came out with a new ep called The Longing. One of my favorite songs is "Called me Higher". These words have convicted me deeply in the last week:

I could be safe

I could be safe here in your arms and never leave home

Never let these walls down

But you have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where you will lead me Lord

I have felt this stirring in me from the time I was young. And I am just now finding the courage to be obedient and to step out in hopes that I can bring some glory and honor to the name of the God I love.

So...if you feel like tagging along on the journey of a 32 year old stay-at-home-mom recording an album while attempting to not lose all self-confidence and also not become a self-absorbed jerk...come on then. Time to shake things up a bit. It's a new season.