too much

do you know what this is?

it's called TOO MUCH.

yes, it's a brand new iPad...and a keyboard...and a carrying case...and gift cards...but it is so much more...too much more...overwhelmingly more

it is a tangible reminder of all of the people and the prayers and the "let us watch your boys at a moment's notice" or, "let us feed your husband and children so you know they are getting some good healthy food in their tummies" or, "of course you can bring your boys over to our house on the way to the ER at 3 in the morning" or "we know you have had an especially rough day, so let the boys ride with us to fort worth in an hour so your husband can spend the night with you"

this is people who come to visit, to sing, to pray over, to just sit with me and be...it's a random text or email or voicemail to say "you are on my mind"...friends who bring things they know i love...like beautiful fresh flowers and lotions and lip balm and books...journals to fill up with frustrations and prayers and songs and pretty pens to write with...coloring books and crayons...friends who sit and color with me...who send someone up to give me a pedicure...who come and wash my feet and give me a pedicure themselves...a friend who is a travel agent, putting up with 7000 emails and all of my neuroses, helping me plan the disney vacation surprise of a lifetime...friends who bring me comfy pajamas...friends who come up in their pajamas late at night and watch funny youtube videos...who laugh with me and talk about life outside of these walls...who ask me to "host" a baby shower i can't even be at...my beautiful, sweet, pregnant friend and cousin, with two kids of her own, who thanks me for "hosting" that shower when she has done far more to care for my babies than i have to help her get ready for or celebrate her new baby...teachers who modify communication and give grace when boys are late to school or forget their lunch money...again...who seek you out to go on a school field trip, when they know you are home, and have no idea how much that means...friends who send me music, and clips of worship, because they know how i long to be leading worship again and the power that music has in my life...who bring their babies up here so i can have some cuddle therapy...who love on my babies when i can't be there to cuddle with them...who send a cleaning service to my house, when the temperature outside is like zero, because they know how i love a clean house...my grandparents who drive hours just to spend the afternoon with me...my family in fort worth giving my boys a week to just enjoy summer and making sure they have all they need to be ready for school...sweet pictures and videos of my nieces, sent to me by my sister and my whether-or-not-she-wants-to-be-sister...awesome girl group texts between me, my mom and those sisters that remind me how good laughing out loud can feel...a coworker who is a notary coming to the hospital to sign papers so we can close on a new house...my mom who is coming to help pack...friends who offer to help pack and move and paint that new house that somehow we decided to buy and move into, while i am in the hospital, at the end of august, in texas, days before the boys start (a new) school...people who send cards...people who make food that i have mentioned, that they know i can't eat...but who will literally bring it here just for me to experience with my other senses...who run all over town picking up birthday decor and goodies, and help me decorate my hospital room, so i can celebrate my boys...and a friend who offers to come capture that celebration and our "real life", that is hard but still ours and full of love, in pictures that i will treasure forever...my husband making sure that, no matter what, we have family time every evening...along with keeping our lives afloat in every other arena...holding my head when i puke, my hand when i'm scared and hurting and holding our family together with his love and strength...my boys, who climb all over me, take my face in their hands and kiss me when they know i'm having a bad day, and who make sure they drive me crazy enough to still feel like their mom...our favorite young babysitters taking full advantage of social media to let this mama in on my boys' daily adventures...college roommates who wear their outdated bridesmaid dress from my wedding to the hospital to make me smile on my anniversary...friends who let me cry and say the grown up words that are sometimes the only ones i can find, and most appropriate...who come in and see me weeping and doubled over in pain and, without a word, just begin to pray and rub my back...people who understand that leaving the hospital isn't the end of the journey when it comes to chronic illness...it is my sweet friend saying, "here is my laptop to borrow for an indefinite amount of time because yours broke and you should have a connection to the outside world"...and a group of people, whose names i will probably never know, who decided to ensure that connection was a permanent thing...so they went together and got me all of this

it is too many names to try and name...too much gratitude to try and put into words...too much...it is community...it is friendship...it is a reminder you aren't forgotten...it is church

it is people who see your pain, acknowledge it and commit to walking through it with you, good, bad and ugly...and uglier...people who actually feel the hurt with you...it is love...too much love

and, "when you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." (mother teresa)