a parent's love...indescribable

Got to spend Monday and Tuesday up at the hospital...it was good to be with Jenna and to see the Cope's. The boys are doing better, but do have quite a long road ahead. I can't imagine how very long it must be in the eyes of a 12 year old especially. I pray that the Lord continues to give them strength and peace. Jack is starting to feel better. In light of all that has been happening, I have realized how very true it is that your whole perspective changes when you have children. All of a sudden, anything that happens to any child, you imagine that being your child. I wanted to protect Jack and take away his virus last week...I cannot imagine the helpless feeling of a parent watching their child lie in ICU, or in a casket.
It took me back to 6 years ago, when I, as an 18 year laid in a hospital bed at the North Texas Hospital for Children at Medical City Dallas for 6 months. I have always been grateful for the sacrifices that my parents made for me, and for my mom sitting at my bedside every single day and night from October of 1998 until March of 1999. But it has been given a whole new meaning to me that I don't think I can even put into words. I am so very grateful for the second chance that God gave me at life, and I will never ever take for granted or second guess the love of a parent again.
It terrifies me to raise a child in the world that we live in. I just want to hold him and protect him, but I know that I must trust in the Lord to hold my child in HIS arms. And I must spend every day on my knees praying that he will choose to let those strong arms hold him always. I am going to include a comment that I made on Mike Cope's blog last week, because it becomes even more relevant now. As I think of all that has happened to these sweet children from Highland, I know more than ever how important it is to show our children each day how very much they are loved.

I am a 24 year old who spent much of my teenage years struggling with bulimia and then anorexia. Being a parent now, I realize even more the fear that my own parents must have felt as they watched me lie in a hospital bed learning how to eat as an 18 year old.
One thing that I would point out about eating disorders specifically is that so much of the disorder, while it is based in physical appearance and body image...so much of it really has to do with control. In my own personal experience, I felt that I could control nothing in my life. I had found a way to stay skinny by throwing up after each meal, and then people found out what was going on and began to follow me to the bathroom. So I decided, fine, I just won't eat. No one can MAKE me eat. I was in a total state of rebellion and self-destruction. I felt that this was the one area of my life that I was in which I had complete control. This was obviously proved wrong when I was admitted to the hospital after my 85 pound body collapsed with no one else at home but my terrified 13 year old brother.

I have wonderful parents who stood by me each baby step of the way. They loved me unconditionally, but refused to let me throw my life away. They helped me to learn that being in control of my life was not my job. And that no matter how "in control" I might have felt, God's plans are always bigger than our own. How thankful I am now to be free of the bondage and pressure of feeling like I needed to do God's job!

I am now the mother of a beautiful 5 month old who is a physical reminder every day to me of God's love. He has given me a whole new picture of the cross. It terrifies me to raise a child in this world, but I know, once again...I AM NOT IN CONTROL.

It is an unfortunate reality that children and teens are going to struggle with self-image. It is also a reality that this struggle does not magically disappear when we become adults. I think that there it is so important to take an active role in our children's lives; to remind them that they are not only our children but that they are first God's children and that He loves them and has a plan for them. They should be told how beautiful and special they are, every single day. Even more, we should live our lives reflecting that love and submitting control to God.

I do believe that parents need to talk to their children; to know what struggles they face. But the most effective thing that can be done is something that I am so thankful that my parents did for me. They lived as examples of Christ's love and devoted their lives to serving Him. They did not escape heartache, but always submitted control of the hard times to His will and plan. Thanks to their love and their faith in the Lord, I was delivered from the disease that enslaved me and given the chance to start a new life that was lived in the realization of the blessing of being out of control. I am not perfect and never will be...but I am free.

I still struggle in other ways with the attempt to control things in my life. I worry about things that are not important like keeping my house spotless. I am still young and have so much to learn. I have been introduced to the responsibility for another human life, and appreciate all the more all of the sacrifices that my parents made and all of the prayers that they said. I am by no means an expert in parenting and do not attempt to give advice to people that have much more experience than I do. I just wanted to share the blessing that it was for me to have godly parents striving to do exactly what so many of us are .

I only hope that I can live my own life in a way that points my son toward the cross. It is my prayer that as my child grows, he will be more familiar with my head bowed in prayer than with my obsessive need to get the laundry done.