Family Adventures...

Over the next few weekends, Matt and Jack and I will be having some firsts in our family traveling adventures...Tomorrow morning we fly to Minnesota for our friend Blake's wedding. It is our first to time to fly with Jack. He is 14 months old and doesn't have his own seat. My main concern is that we keep him happy and comfortable, and also that we are considerate of those around us. We know to have him drink as we are taking off and landing...but other than that, does anyone have any tips for flying with kids? Honestly, I have just been praying that we won't sit next to someone who hates children! I might also add the fun tidbit that I get to share a hotel room not only with Matt and Jack, but also with Eric and Micah, two of Matt's friends from highschool! Hope they don't mind a 14 month old waking up in the middle of the night because he is in an unfamiliar bed in Minnesota!

Then, next weekend, we are driving to Nashville to go to the ZOE conference. Yep...you read that right...driving...Now we have made road trips, but I think only about as far as Houston...and that was back when he was sleeping 16 hours a day anyway! We are leaving Wednesday night at bedtime, with the hopes that we might maximize the amount of time he is sleeping in the car(and maybe to limit the amount of Chevy Chase "Vacation" quotes I have to hear from Matt!)...but just in case, any tips here? We are also looking forward to staying with our friends TJ and Holly when we get there...any tips for being houseguests with a baby? He's such a good boy, I'm not anticipating any problems, but I always like to hear from those who have more experience than myself.

As you can see from the picture above he's already quite the little adventurist...so I am sure we'll have some fun stories to tell!
In case you missed the last post, you can look at more pictures by going to Memorable Moments Photography at http://www.memorablemomentsphotography.com

it wasn't me!

Isn't he adorable? And not mischevious looking at all huh?! For more pictures of my sweetie, click the title of this post. It's memorable moments photography by Kristin Morales.

laying down our lives

Sunday morning Matt and Jack and I got to go with some of our friends from college to hear Donald Miller speak at the Deep Ellum Church. It was a great group of people and, in a community that has long been associated only with darkness and evil, they have an amazing heart for the mission of Christ. I was so impressed with the hearts of the pastors of this church who have committed to planting a place of refuge, and have some amazing future plans for shining Christ's light in a dark corner that many don't have the courage to go. Matt and I had really enjoyed Donald's book, Blue Like Jazz, and Matt has also read the second one, Searching For God Knows What. I just got him the third one, Through Painted Deserts, and we are looking forward to starting that one. In Searching For God Knows What, he compares our relationship to Jesus through analyzing the familiar play Romeo and Juliet...this is what he spoke about on Sunday, and it was a beautiful analogy that I, even as someone who studied theatre in college, had never fully realized. He focused on the balcony scene, as Juliet tells Romeo that he must deny his name and take his own. He spoke also of how the two characters never consummate their marriage, but only become one through death. It was really enlightening. He also talked about how our society wants so badly to market God...we all want a three step plan, and not a relationship. One thing that he said that I really liked was this...
"The message of the gospel is not, 'Buy this and you will be happy', but instead, 'This is something worth dying for'"
It made me think of my own faith, and how much I doubt my own ability to "lay down my life".In the wake of all of these natural disasters, along with other horrible, sad, and confusing things I am witnessing, I am reminded that we were not promised comfort or peace in this life, but that we can know the one who IS comfort and peace...the one who gives us life to begin with. And I pray that I can open my eyes to the many opportunities that God is putting before me where I can lay my life down and serve Him by serving others.
We are praying for all of those affected by Rita, especially many loved ones of ours who are traveling and sad to leave their homes...we also pray for those from Louisiana who are moving for the second time...I hope that we will all embrace one another, and commit for the long haul to the long process ahead of picking up the pieces.

an insightful response

With all of the writing on Katrina, my mind is in a fog, and I find I often lose sight of what are truly the most important lessons. I need to talk less...I need to open my ears and my heart to those who have gone through this ordeal, and to what the Lord wants to teach me through it all.I have tried to sit down and write something, but the words have not come in a way that would be even close to intelligible...I am still just groaning...

So today I just want to direct you to my friend Jarod's blog. I think his latest entry is one of the best responses I have seen recently.

I will try to get back to more regular blogging soon...I know you are all just sitting on the edge of your seats!

open eyes, open hearts

I cannot get my mind around this horrible tragedy. More than that, my heart has just been broken to watch the desperation that people are feeling. This whole ordeal has just reopened my eyes to the reality of poverty and racial/class distinction that still exists within our society.

Now, I am not one who likes to politicize things too greatly, and I think that the expectations for response cannot solely lay with any one person or organization. I am saddened, however, when I hear people on the radio, or television, or next to me at the grocery store talking about how those people should have been able to save themselves. I have heard people make remarks about the ignorance of those waiting in their houses, and then screaming on their rooftops to be saved. But it is my opinion that many of these people have been crying out to be saved for a long time, and no one has heard them.

When you have no money in the bank, no car, and nowhere to go, escaping isn't as easy as it may seem. There has been amazing outpouring of love and compassion on the part of many people and organizations. I do not believe that these people are suffering in this aftermath because of their race. But it is necessary to realize that the majority of the population in New Orleans is black, and at least 1/3 of the population lives below the poverty level. We cannot close our eyes any longer.

Now as you can tell, this post is not flowing as well as some of my others. I do much better to stick to mushy posts about my baby boy than I do trying to talk about political matters! But for me, this is not about politics or race, or anything else...but people. People are hurting, people are dying, people are becoming so lost in the desperation for survival that they are turning to evil. And this is when we need Jesus more than ever.  Jesus makes so many statements in scripture that clearly point to his compassion for the poor, and he commands us to care for them as well. Whether we agree with or can identify with any one of those people...we are commanded to be the hands and feet of Jesus. And he made no distinctions...HE WANTS US ALL.

to my sweet baby Jack

I cannot even believe that today you are one year old. It is amazing how quickly time has gone by, and yet how it also feels like you have been with me forever. You have changed so much in this last year. You are getting so big, and it is so exciting to watch you explore and discover new things.
A year ago today was an exciting and scary time. You were coming four and a half weeks early and we were so scared about whether or not you would be alright. But the Lord was so faithful and at 5:00 am on Wednesday, July 28, after two early labors being stopped, weeks of bedrest, and 4 days of labor, he gave you to us--a healthy, perfect, tiny baby boy. I will never forget the moment that they handed you to me and I held you in my arms. You didn't even cry...you were so peaceful, looking up at me with those big blue eyes wide open, as if you were just taking it all in. That moment was the greatest miracle I have ever been a part of. After 9 months of a rough pregnancy, worrying about you and about my own weaknesses, we were given an indescribable gift of peace. We learned alot about God's provision and were reminded that God does not call us to a spirit of fear, but of hope. I have been reminded of that lesson many times already in your first year of life as I think upon my great responsibility to raise you to look like Jesus in a world that does not look at Him at all. It has been truly amazing how many lessons you have taught us in this past year, Jack. I have been reintroduced to the cross in a whole new way by looking at you and loving you so much--and thinking about how much greater God's love must be to have given His perfect baby boy up for this world. Thank you for teaching me more about God's love.
Thank you, also, for your amazing spirit. It is so much fun to watch as your little personality develops. You are intelligent and so funny. It is so special to watch as you thoughtfully play with your toys and figure out each little detail. You have kept me on my toes, as I pull you away from the things that catch your eyes the most...ie. remote controls, computers, electrical cords, telephones, the list could go on...I adore your sweet little voice, the hilarious faces and noises you make, the way you can't help dancing when you hear music, and that laugh that is infectious. I am so thankful that you already have a love for music and for reading, and no one cuddles better than you. You are an active little boy, always on the go. You have changed from that little string bean 4 pound peanut to a cuddly, chubby, and unmistakeably adorable bundle of energy that I am totally in love with. You have deepened the love that your daddy and I have for each other as we marvel at the blessing and responsibility that God has given to us through you.You have taught your neat freak mommy to loosen up a bit, and I know that will only grow as I continue to experience the joys of having a little boy. I don't look forward to the bumps and bruises, but I hope you know that I will always hold you when you hurt. There have been times that I have held you and felt helpless myself, wondering how in the world I am capable, but then I can have peace in knowing that while I hold you, someone much greater is always holding us both.

There is a song that I sing to you each night as I rock you in your room. It is a song that was recorded by ZOE, one of our favorite groups to listen to together. I changed the words a bit the first time I sang them to you from "I" to "You", and each night since, they have been a prayer that I sing over you--praying that you would know how deeply you are known and loved by God. Here are the words...

You have a maker;
He formed your heart.
Before even time began,
your life was in His hands.
He knows your name.
He knows your every thought.
He sees each tear that falls,
and he hears you when you call.
You have a father;
He calls you his own.
He'll never leave you,
no matter where you go.
He knows your name.
He knows your every thought.
He sees each tear that falls,
and he hears you when you call.

My precious baby boy, I pray that you will always know how much you are loved by your daddy and me. We are so thankful to have you in our lives. This first year of your life has been the greatest learning experience, joy, and blessing of my life. I pray that even more than our love, you will know the love of God that will never fail you. I am so thankful that He allowed me to be your mommy. You are mine for awhile, but you are His for all time. While you are here, I will always be so very thankful and proud to hear you call me mama. I look forward to many more years blessed by your sweet presence.

Happy birthday, sweet baby Jack--I love you ten thousand miles high

questions with no answers

Okay, so it has been awhile since I have posted. Not that I think tons of people are out there anxiously awaiting my next post. But I have had some people ask me why it has been so long. Honestly, I have had a really hard time figuring out what to say. Not that I have nothing to say, anyone who has known me for about a week or more knows that I have plenty to say. But lately it has seemed like I just have so many words and thoughts and don't know where to begin. I find that when it gets like that, I sometimes have to take a break and get my thoughts in order. However, I have a feeling this particular post is still going to be somewhat jumbled.

To be honest, I have been angry lately. I have experienced some serious questioning of the Lord and it has been hard. I am not through it and do not know when I will get there. All I know is that someone long ago was very right...life is not fair. Why is it that my husband and I became pregnant four months after marriage, while on birth control, totally unplanned, still with a year left of college, even after doctors told me it might not even be possible...and yet...I have family members whose babies have died in their arms...complete strangers whose blogs I read daily whose babies are fighting for their lives,some who have not won? Why is this? I love my precious baby boy and thank God every day for the blessing he is in my life. But I refuse to believe the foolish words of those trying to be a comfort saying that "it's all part of God's plan" for other babies to die. NO! Death was not part of His plan. Our fallenness took God's perfect gift of life and turned it into the sin, pain, injustice and death that we witness daily.

I love the Lord, and I do believe that He has a plan. Do I believe that He can work through horrible catastrophes in our lives? Yes. I have seen it firsthand. But I also know that I am a comfort to no one, especially one who is watching their child suffer, when I pretend to ignore the pain that cuts us deep, that makes us human. We cannot ignore the questions...maybe I am just a cynic, but I guess that's why I am also what Mike Cope has called an "already, but not yet" kind of Christian. Yes, I believe that God's reign has broken in, but I mostly long for what is still to come. As he said in part of his January 3rd post...

I deeply love "already Christians." I need to be prodded by them. But I don't share much of their outlook. And it seems at times like their hyper-confidence is damaging to struggling people.
When they talk about all the times God has spoken to them, I think of all the silences. When they speak of instantaneous healings, I remember all the people I've pleaded with God to heal but who died (including my daughter). When they talk about how God keeps pouring down his blessings (often meaning homes, cars, vacations, etc.), I think of all the people who become poorer as a result of their faith.
They speak of a way of blessing. The gospel speaks of a blessing that involves loss and persecution. They leapfrog to Easter Sunday; the gospel goes through Good Friday and Silent Saturday.

There is a new song by Natalie Grant that has really ministered to me because it speaks of this very thing, and is just completely raw and honest. I just love the song because it speaks so boldly and truthfully...i think that is why it can touch people, because it doesn't try to cover up with the same old cliches about God always having a plan...while of course this is true, that is sometimes not the most comforting thing to hear...you want to be told that it is okay to hurt and to grieve...and to know that this is what His love means for us...not that this world will not be hard, but that when it is hard and horrible and full of sin and pain and death, He will hold us...here are the lyrics...

Two months is too little, they let him go, they had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live...it's unfair...

This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness...we want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering...if this is only the beginning...can we not wait for one hour, watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

This is what it means to be held.


I appreciate the line at the beginning that says it is appalling to think of a child being taken from his mother as she prays. I do not pretend to know what it is like to lose a child, or that I have the perfect words to say...I don't think there are any words that you can say. Even now as I type, I know I am failing to say what I truly wish I could. As a mother, I cannot imagine losing my sweet baby Jack. I do know that instead of trying to have wise words about what God's plans are...I am going to leave those plans to God. He will be the ultimate haven of rest...but in this life, I want to be a shoulder that is okay to cry on, an ear that doesn't mind the screaming, and a heart that shares the pain of my brothers and sisters.

Death was not part of His plan. I trust in the Lord and His unfailing love. I know also that the same Lord who gave us that love watched His son die on a tree for my fallen soul. And I know He must have hurt deeply for His child. Perhaps we can learn a new lesson from that familiar story. It's okay to hurt, it's okay to be angry. It's important to remember Friday as we anxiously await Sunday.

I thank God for the ways that He does use tragedies to bring people to their knees, to bring families together, and to turn His children's eyes to Him. But I also pray, more than any of this...

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.